swimmer2020

Call me young, dumb, naive, whatever. Why do I have this urge, this instinct, to love someone? I want to live for someone. I want that someone to live for me. I know all of these statements begin with ‘I’. Well guess what, it’s my life. I’m selfish. It’s my life. And I want my life to revolve around ‘us’. Makes no sense I know, but does life ever make sense? And when you think you’ve made sense of it, it kicks you ass in the ass and reminds you that you really have no clue what the hell anything is and we’re just trying to figure out that which can’t be comprehended. If we, and I, just accept this - that there is no comprehension, life would be so much easier. But do we? Have I? No. What would the human experience be if we just gave in and announced “There is no comprehension! Just live! Don’t figure it out! It won’t ever be figured!” the world would turn into utter chaos of people not trying to figure it out.

We all find ways to cope with existence, we all have our outlets and safety mechanisms. Apparently mine is wanting to love someone. Is that terrible? Falling asleep and waking up every morning wishing that ‘the one’ was lying next to me? Even when I’m in a relationship, which I usually am, something’s missing. It’s that spark. Eternal love? Compromised love? What is it? Everybody has an opinion - that’s what we do as humans beings, we make opinions and conclusions and try to ‘figure it out’. Well, I’m tired of trying to figure it out. But guess what? I’ll keep on trying. Otherwise I wouldn’t be human. Or I would be incredibly wise and on my deathbed - unfortunately I’m neither.

So I just talked on the phone with a boy I met out dancing last weekend. Why am I not compelled to love those who want to love me? Is there such a thing as chemistry? What is this whole chemistry thing? Is love really predetermined by who is chemically attracted to who? What a terrible world that would be.... What if that’s our world. I once bought my best friend pheremone cologne. We laughed that we would turn ourselves on. Did it?

Is that the problem with gay men? We’re so in love with ourselves that nobody is good enough? Is that my problem? Or do we have the opposite problem. We loathe ourselves so much that nobody’s love can possibly save us, let alone or own love? Our own love. How many people can honestly say they love themselves.

Do I love myself? I think so. Sometimes I wonder. I think we all wonder

This is incredibly therapeutic. What would be even more therapeutic would be the perfect man at home waiting for me in bed.

Do I love the images of what I think my life will be? Who I’ll be with? Do I spend so much time planning for the future that I lose touch of the present moment? I think my problem may be the opposite. I live in the moment too much I don’t plan. Who knows if this is good or bad. No, I must plan for the future - I have visions of my future.

Lately, when laughing with my best friend (believe me, this is a very frequent occurrence), I have a vision of the two of us forty-five years from now laughing in the same way. We’ll be dignified, middle-aged men laughing about our youth and funny things in general.

Life is grand, if a touch confusing.

Some people...

It just amazes me what actions people are driven too. Everybody probably saw the news, and what happened at the Tacoma Mall... This man was driven to kill random people. What is it that causes these actions? Is it our society? Who knows.

I work at Nordstrom in the Tacoma Mall. My god, some of the most terrifying moments of my life. I felt in control, but as if I could lose that control at any minute. Scary shit.

Anyways, all is good and I suppose the bright side is I got the day off today after we fled the store. (sick thought I know)

Night everyone,

take care

be happy

Kieran

I feel so settled in my life that it's unnerving. I have a good job, work 5 days a week (granted their retail hours). Am working on applications for schools for next year. Have a great boyfriend, who really understands how important it is for me to be in "functional" mode... I feel like I just function now.

I need some spice in my life.

Life is so multi-dimensional, so full of different experiences. We create our own destiny, it's no use sitting around waiting for your "perfect life" to just arrive in the mailbox someday. Sometimes, we need to put things in perspective and take action, or start a new facet of our lives.

Ugh

Kieran

life is fabulous

:)

Kieran

So I'm sitting at a coffee place

I love my job, love it love it love it

I made my list of seven conservatory schools to audition for next year (BFA in Musical Theatre here I come!)

I'm very single, this is both good and bad

I love my apartment, love it love it love it

People need to come visit me

I can't wait to start getting the big paychecks :)

later guys,

Kieran

So it's been forever

major life changes have happened and are happening

I vow to update here - I need to get back to the real Kieran, hopefully journaling will help

Kieran

So I've decided I need some spring cleaning - in my life. Tie up all loose ends with everything, focus on school and work and have fun while being emotionally responsible.

So there we go

Kieran

It's so shitty when you're floating on cloud nine, and suddenly gravity decides to start working again

So my life is about to take a big twist.

It all started last week when I receive a call from my boss for Biotherm (I'm a freelance artist at Nordstrom, for all you that I'm horrible about staying in touch with), and am told the Counter Manager at Tacoma Nordstrom quit. They want me to take the position. Holy shit. We're talking full-time, a contract, and like five times as much money as I've been making per year.

So I'm going to do it, but it means major changes:

1. I'm not going home this summer! Yay, I really didn't want to anyways. I'm going to live with Skyler and just commute down to Tacoma every day - no big deal, and I'll be living in Seattle.

2. When school starts again, I'll be a full-time Nordstrom employee, and a full-time PLU college student. This means compiling all my classes to two days a week, and only taking one choir.

3. I'll have a discount at Nordstrom

4. I'll have a discount at Nordstrom

So in other news, Dan got into PLU yesterday. I'm so happy for him! However, he really wants to be roommates, and I do to - it's just that he'll be dating Brandon, and I'll be dating Skyler. I'd like to say that I'm a strong enough person, but in all honesty who knows. I feel like Skyler and I have waited long enough, and each been hurt by so many other people - that the last thing in the world I want would be to hurt him. So - to live with Dan, or not to live with Dan... Tis the question. I do know that I don't want a straight roommate again, so if no Dan, then I get a single which costs more money.

Well wow, I typed much more than I though I was going to - but that is my life right now

take care everyone, and have a great rest of the week

Kieran

So the people I was with last night were amazing, so was the food, but even more amazing and meaningful was finding happiness...

Pictures, of course

http://photobucket.com/albums/y89/swimmer2020/Cheescake%20Factory/

later

Kieran

So Saturday night - Jo Jo (Jo ho), Rachel, Abi (who was high off her ass), and I drive to Bainbridge. Let me tell you, it was the LONGEST drive ever and it was pouring rain. Ugh, not very fun. But Abi kept us entertained, talking about a very large diet pepsi. So we get to Bainbridge, get real good feelin, partied for awhile then took the ferry to Seattle. Yes, took the ferry at 1:30am and got to seattle just in time for me to have a brief discussion with Skyler, then off we went to Jack in the Box. Jack was a whole new story, which I won't delve into now

So, here are pictures from the party

http://photobucket.com/albums/y89/swimmer2020/Bainbridge/

I actually have more pictures, but people on here might horrisly misinterpret what I was doing... those who know, babe you know

later later everyone

Kieran

So I had the longest and most fun weekend ever

I'll tell all about it later, and I have TONS of great pictures

I've never been more happy - everything in my life right now is how I've dreamed it to be...

Kieran

So Rachel and I took all those drunken pictures.... I posted every single one on photobucket

http://photobucket.com/albums/y89/swimmer2020/

the drunken moments, or actually 200 pictures, that are really only funny to me, rachel, and jo jo (jo ho)

So like the rest of the world, I rented Closer yesterday. Really a moving film for me, and somehow either a shockingly brutally honest or twisted depiction of human instinct. Is there that one person out there who will make you never want to be with someone else, or regret not trying to make it work with someone from the past... ?

On a less philosophical note - I think I should clean my room, just for real this time.

It's Skyler's birthday today, and he really wants me to go to his party all the way in damn Redmond... ugh

have a great day, and be happy

Kieran

No silly people, not the morning after hot, crazy and wild animal sex - but the morning after a night of fun times. Last night Rachel and I had quite a bit of fun, getting dressed up in cute clothes, drinking, and taking over 200 pictures. That's right people, 200 pictures. Total fucking ball. Once again, I realize - PLU is the place for me.

So real classes start today, damn. I'm actually sitting here debating whether or not I should get up and put my books in my bag. Don't think I will quite yet.

So boys - god the boys. When is the love life not crazy, or messed up? The answer: Never

So it's been officially decided that the rest of the Semester is going to be different, I'm going to put my nose to the grindstone and party like no other all the time. My classes are a breeze and it's getting close to summertime: the stars have aligned and I shall take advantage!

Think I'll go tanning today, it's been a very long while.

Kieran

PS - to those of you who think that this post sounds just a tad dumb, it is. But, that does not mean it's a true reflection of who I am. It's a glimpse into one of the many facets of the life that is Kieran.

I am drunk and need to learn to be single

YAY

ugh

Kieran

Wow, I haven't written in here since right before I left for school...

To update for the last like seven months: My life is crazy, I'm no longer a Music Major, I'm having a ball at school, and I'm sick of drama



YAY!!

I'll write more later, and add all my PLU friends to my list thingy

later all

Kieran

So I move on campus in two days. I'm totally excited, it's like a fresh start to life: New room, new friends, new school, new social life.... But I don't want new everything. I've been so lucky. High school was such a great experience for me. I wish PLU was closer to Seattle, but maybe it's a good thing that the big city isn't so accessible to me, haha.

Boys - god. It's like you love them, and then can't stand them. I don't feel lost for once, this is a good thing. I just know exactly what I want and haven't found it, or I think I've found it and it's not exactly what I wanted but close. Do I settle for close enough? Or should I keep on looking? Is it bad to have a set idea of who I want to be with? Sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think it isn't.... I can see myself with any number of types of people, but they aren't all the type that I "want" myself to be with. You know? Who knows, I don't know and I don't think anybody else knows either.

I'm on my sweet new laptop - god I love it. Wi-Fi is so awesome. Tinglestad Hall better look out for me and my Wi-Fi router. Maybe I can charge people for wirless internet! Say ten buck a month - totally a good deal.... We'll see about that.

So I am really into this new guy. He seems like the total package - but for some reason I'm not "head-over-heels" like I know I should be.... Hmm. He's perfect. Half Italian, half Brit. He grew up in southern France and Italy, and is fluent in both languages. He has a really cute light accent. Love it - he looks like an italian hottie and works out alot. Plus - get this. He just graduated from UC Berkley and now works at Microsoft. Seem perfect, huh. Well, we'll see. I'm a hard sell - I think. although sometimes people think I'm desperate - I'm not. I'm just true to myself. If I think there could be something, I go for it. Plain and simple.

Alright, I'm done

later

Kieran

-- everyone come visit me at PLU --

Well I've decided to write in here more often. I really enjoy it when I do. It causes me to think in a somewhat constructive manner. Rare for me. I'm really looking forward to college. I hope it's enough of a change so that life is really interesting, but not so different that I feel lost, you know? It's like you become comfortable with who you are, your surroundings and who is surrounding you... And then everything changes, and you feel so alone. Well, I hope it's not this incredibly confusing change. But then, what if I do want to just start over? Who knows, I'm not being very constructive here, but that's alright. I just got back from a camping trip with my family to a summer camp where I camped as a camper, so did my my parents, and my parents were staffers there. It was an "alumni" camp. I loved it. So many memories flooded back. It was great to have 3 1/2 days so ponder, think, enjoy being outside, and just not worry about anything. It seems as if nothing matters out there. I went on a canoe ride by myself for a few hours on this gorgeous lake... and everything just seemed so perfect. It's rare moments like that where I'm just so thankful to be alive and enjoying life.

I love being gay. Random thought

Sometimes, I wish someone would just come, understand me, and be in love with me... and me in love with them. Whenever I go on a date, the guy either says he likes the "funny, energetic" side of me... or he says "I like that you are deep and enjoy life" I don't get how I have two different vibes where people pick out one or the oether. Can't somebody see a somewhat balance in me? Wouldn't that just be perfect? And then have him love me? But I know it doesn't happen that way. You have to work at love, it's not an easy thing. I think that's why I have so much trouble letting go of Tim. It's as if I feel that we really worked to get where we were, and then... But I learned alot. It's alright.

Single here! - Come find me!

Kieran